Ben Gardner asks, is Justin Langer as head coach really what England need?

Slowly the winter fog is clearing, and the future of English cricket is beginning to take shape. And one thing is seemingly becoming more and more plausible by the day. Justin Langer, England head coach. How would that make you feel?

Rob Key likes Aussies, and has confirmed he doesn’t actually think Langer is a numpty. Ricky Ponting has reportedly ruled himself out of the running. Adam Gilchrist thinks it would be “awesome” to see Langer work with Stokes. ‘The PR machine’, as Ian Chappell has termed it, is in full flow. It might not happen. But also, it could.

Already the Stokes-Langer axis is taking on mythical proportions, English cricket’s Roy and Fergie primed to grab the slumbering giant by its shoulders, shake it awake, and haul it back to greatness. The case, at first glance, basically makes itself: Ashes and T20 World Cup winner, world No.1 ranking securer, post-Sandpapergate reputation restorer. But really those are embellishments, accoutrements to the argument that really bolsters Langer’s prospects.

Michael Vaughan, as he often does, sums up the mood. “I do not see any one else better suited than Justin Langer to crack heads together and bring some tough management to a group of England players who have become too cosy recently,” he has written for The Telegraph. “This England Test team needs some tough love.” Welcome to Justin Langer’s Dressing Room Nightmares. What are you, England’s middle order? An idiot sandwich.

You sense that the instinct here is as much flagellistic as it is fully thought-through. These are the players who, having won one out of 17, had the temerity to boast about how good the attitude in the changing room was afterwards. If we’re not having a good time, then they shouldn’t be either. With the whispers they’ll have heard from their friends in the Australian camp (the fact that these exist is another thing that irks plenty), England’s players may not want Langer in charge. Therefore, he’s exactly what they deserve.

None of which is to say that some hard truths and hot tempers aren’t what England need. But not all gnarly old bastards are created equal. At some point it’s surely worth actually interrogating Langer’s record as Australia’s head coach, and whether all that aggro actually amounted to anything at all.

Running through the results – and setting aside the white-ball stuff, with England likely to split the coaching roles – and the case is hardly compelling. This is an Australia team that counts among its number two established all-time legends, four more national greats, and one more who will surely end up in one of the two categories. A supporting cast including Usman Khawaja and Travis Head rounds out most of a fearsome XI. They should be sweeping aside all-comers, no matter who’s in charge. And yet, search for a statement Langer Test triumph, and it’s hard to find one.

Partly, this isn’t Langer’s fault; Australia only played two overseas series during his near-four-year reign – a significant factor in that No.1 ranking. And one of those, a 2-2 urn-retaining draw in England, counts as the peak of the Langer era, even if Joe Root’s side were World Cup-weary and there for the taking. But it’s also the only better-than-expected result he achieved, with a sprinkling of poor results in there too. At home, Australia enjoyed routine, comprehensive, expected wins over Pakistan, Sri Lanka, and a depleted New Zealand, but also endured their only two defeats to India down under in their history.

The second of those, in 2020/21, should really have been job-costing for several in leadership positions, the cricketing equivalent of losing a fight to Monty Python and the Holy Grail’s legless, armless Black Knight because he’s bitten onto your ankle and won’t let go. The corollary to it being rated as perhaps the greatest backs-to-the-wall Test series win of all time – India, bowled out for 36 in the opener, were without their captain, best all-rounder, best spinner and four best quicks by the time Rishabh Pant’s Gabba heist was complete – is that the collapse from the hosts was dramatic in the extreme, and Langer laying into Marnus Labuschagne about his toastie-eating habits did precious little to reverse it.

In fact, given his supposed attitude-improving qualities, it’s marked that Australia’s great weakness under Langer was those crunch moments. A side stacked with those players will win plenty of games as a matter of course. But when the going got tough, Australia, almost invariably, failed to get going. Five times, at Headingley, Old Trafford, Sydney, the Gabba, and Sydney again, they went into what was set to be the final day with victory in their grasp but not yet certain. Only once, at Old Trafford, did they come out on top.

And that brings us to victory over England, and the paradox that if the tourists were so bad that the only thing that can make them good again is being torn limb from limb, then it can’t be that much of a boon on any coach’s CV to have smashed them in the first place. And if this is the triumph that show’s Langer’s ball-busting ways can drive England to the top, then it’s important to note that, by this time, facing a mutiny from his players and the potential loss of his job, he had significantly mellowed. ‘Eat all the sarnies you like, Marnus. Can I pass the peanut butter?’ That sort of thing.

What England need is an elite head coach, one with a proven track record of taking underperforming players and teams and getting them to play at something close to their potential. Do people really think that’s Langer, or do they just want him to show some emotion to make them feel better?