Right then, fellas.

Thanks for coming to the team meeting. What’s that you say? You can’t stay long because you’re heading off to take selfies around Europe? In the middle of an Ashes series? Don’t you know the standard procedure after losing an epic Test at Headingley, thanks to a thrilling England fourth-innings chase, is to watch a replay of every ball?

If there was a rubbish bin in the room, I’d give it a good right boot and then pick up the trash and carefully redeposit it. Ok Smudge, I know you’re set on getting to Wimbledon and yes, Mitch, you’re keen to watch Midge play in Bristol. And Scotland is rather good for a round of golf this time of year.

Let’s just have a quick recap before you leave and promise me you’ll bring back a croissant from Paris. Deal?

Davey, let’s start with you. Can we run the vision of his wickets? Thanks. Oh wait. That’s the tape from 2019. Hmmm. I’m not sure if there’s a pattern here but that Stuart Broad seems to trouble you somewhat when he comes around the wicket. We might have to start thinking of a way for you to deal with that or we’ll end up guaranteeing England an early wicket. No, no, calm down. I didn’t say bunny. I said it’s funny how I didn’t notice this before. You can’t be someone’s bunny until they’ve got you out at least 15 times. What, 17 now? Goodness. Well, enjoy the mini-break and we’ll figure something out when you get back.

Uzzie, all good mate. I know the big scores weren’t there in Leeds but you’re still the People’s Champ. Everyone loves you. I’m sure even Ollie Robinson loves you, deep down. Perhaps you can just do that thing where you reach three figures when we get to Manchester? You can throw your bat in the air or do a funky little dance, celebrate however you want. Just don’t bring back the dab. That’s so 2017.

Now, Loose Bus Change. We need to talk. Yes, we can chat while you finish your cheese toastie. I’ve had our stats boffins look over your figures and they’ve noticed something odd. Apparently you don’t seem to rack up the runs when you’re abroad. Weird, hey? I mean, you’re the number one ranked batter in the world! And we know rankings are the only real metric of value. Wait, what? Kane Williamson has pipped you? Oh. And now Trav has too? Pay no attention to rankings, they don’t mean anything. But averaging 70 on those nice Aussie pitches where we bully visitors and just 37 away, well, something’s not quite right. I’m sure it’s just an aberration and you’ll come good at Old Trafford. It’s great you’re making good looking starts, it’d just be better if you didn’t find ways to get out just as you look to be in. It’s so Zak Crawley. Yes, I know, no one works harder than you. Except Smudge, of course.

Speaking of which, mate, can you take off the blindfold and quit shadow batting for a bit? What’s going on with you? You’re supposed to dominate this Ashes malarkey. I mean, Broady invented the out-swinger, never before seen in Test cricket, just to shut you down. The inside edge in the first innings was fair enough but what on earth was that brain fade in the second? Yes, I know Woody was firing rockets at the other end and you might have been a little frustrated but gifting one to Mo like that? I know he’s a nice bloke and all, but maybe park that shot in the next Test. And every one that follows. Enjoy the tennis but go easy on the Pimms.

Trav, it’s good to see your top lip again. You were looking more Boony every day. Actually, I almost thought it was Stokesy out there at one point, the way you were batting with the tail. Awesome stuff. Now, I know you’ve been outstanding as our counterpunch guy but – hang on, just come over here for a sec, away from Davey – remember how we shifted you up the order to open in India? How would you feel about doing that again? We haven’t smashed the emergency glass yet, and we do have a couple of reserves, but just have a think about it while you’re away. There’s a good chap.

Ahhhh Bison! Where have you been all series? I mean, I know you were on the squad list from the start but it’s just so hard to see you there with Greeny in the way. He’s rather big, you know. Gee you’ve given us a bit of a conundrum. It’s hard enough fitting your head and his everything into a freight elevator, let alone an XI. But if we leave you out, the Aussie fans who happily booed you when we selected you before will crucify us. They’re a fickle lot, aren’t they? If only you had Cam’s wingspan and bucket hands, but we could always get him on as a sub fielder at gully. We did that already? Whaddya know. Look, I want you to have a relaxing few days but just don’t go on any benders. I reckon we’ll need you in Manchester.

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How are you doing, Alex? Is that a new haircut? Looking sharp, my man. A little sharper than some of your glovework at Headingley. I mean, you’re not causing Jonny Bairstow levels of concern but maybe next time the ball is closer to the fielder in the deep, you might want to leave it to the fielder in the deep. And if you could go back to scoring those handy lower order runs that’d be ace. What’s that? Everyone’s been picking on you? Look, that spirit of cricket stuff is for chumps and you’re a champ. No, I don’t mean champ that way. It’s a compliment. Stop being so sensitive.

Bags all packed, Scotty? You’ve worked really hard on this tour, but it hasn’t really clicked. It’s strange because I really thought you’d kill it with the Dukes ball. But I guess some of the pitches and this short-pitched stuff that’s infested the game isn’t really your thing, is it? And boy, the English fellas seem to have taken a shine to you. Tell you what, put your feet up and feel free to take a few extra days. We’ll call if we need you.

Starcy, crack on. And give the girls our best.

Now where’s Toddy? Oh, there you are, underneath that invisibility cloak. What japes! I know you didn’t get much of a chance to bowl out there and Stokesy might have spooked you a little, the big bully. But don’t you listen to that noisy bunch in the Western Terrace. You’re not a sh*t Harry Potter, you’re a very good little Harry Potter – put that wand down – and a fine off-spinner. I’ll have a word with Patty and ask him to give you the ball for more than ten overs next time. Just work on blasting them with your Avada Kedavra spell.

Ok, Patty. I wish you were hanging around because we have a fair bit to discuss. Yes, you must be knackered after playing four Tests in as many weeks. At least England go hard enough that you’re not in the field for too long. But I’m a bit worried that you’re taking on too much of the load. What does that say about the rest of the attack? We might have to rethink this bouncer tactic, especially if Woody is in. I mean, it works sometimes but geez it makes for rubbish viewing. What’s that? Oh right, we don’t care about entertaining above winning. That’s Baz and Ben’s thing, no room for that kind of idealism. Do what you have to do then. We’re only one win away from history. Just, they do seem to be rather good when their backs are to the wall. Rest up, golden boy, come back refreshed.

And maybe send me a postcard.