Nothing about England makes sense, least of all how they are keeping up with Australia

It didn’t matter whether Ben Stokes looked up or down after he won the toss at Lord’s. The clouds overhead and the grass on the wicket each pointed to the same sign, flashing bright in neon: ‘Bowl’.

He duly obliged, and then stood and watched as England delivered one of the worst collective bowling sessions of his captaincy. “We feel that with the way they’re playing at the moment, a pitch with a bit more movement would benefit us hugely,” was Ollie Robinson’s assessment after Edgbaston. At Lord’s, England found more movement in the first session than in any game since Brendon McCullum’s appointment, and yet went wicketless into the last over before lunch. This was a weird session, with a protest delay and a rain delay – the former lasting longer than the latter – and there were plays and misses and dropped catches. But England were wayward, and Australia were able to offer no shot five full overs before Usman Khawaja went for one leave-alone too many.

After the break, the malaise largely continued, despite the odd burst of activity from the energetic Josh Tongue or bouncer from Joe Root. David Warner carved out his highest score in England since 2015. Steve Smith did his meditative fidget thing, prolonged periods of scorelessness punctuated by flurries of sweetly timed strokes. Travis Head scratched around and then relocated his fearless, free-scoring groove. Stokes, for once, had few answers. This time, there were no funky fields or short-ball screeds. England looked like a team not just lost for answers, but not particularly looking for them.

This was not the response England would have hoped for after Edgbaston, and not the performance to back up the words of their players since then. “I think we’ll win by, I don’t know, 150 runs,” was Zak Crawley’s prediction ahead of the Lord’s Test. In fairness, given that their only route to doing so after bowling first is following on, they looked to be giving themselves their only chance.

It’s then, of course, that it happens. Root is trundling through the pre-new ball overs, Head has all the singles he wants on offer, and instead he comes down the track and tries to pound into the Mound Stand. Root yanks back the string, finds some turn, and Jonny Bairstow completes a sharp stumping. In comes Cameron Green, the No.6 grinder-automaton. He lasts three balls before leaning back like a centre-half taking a penalty, skying the ball over the bar and down into Stokes’ hands at mid-on.

This can’t have been the plan, as much as Root furiously pointed in some direction after Head fell. This was just baffling. Australia have been showily anti-England ever since they touched down, all couched caution, deep points and cold-headed attrition. For four balls they played like Stokes on Red Bull.

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This isn’t how England would have plotted out day one. But then, do they plot out anything? This is kind of just what they do. Stick everyone in front of the wicket to the guy on 141 and he yorks himself. Pick a greenhorn spinner without any sort of record and watch him take five-for on debut. Do it again two Tests later. Bring on Harry Brook to the genius eyeing up 200 and he tickles one down leg. Delay the new ball to keep on your part-timer and he has one smashed back at him. None of this makes any sense. And yet 6o per cent of the time, it works every time.

This is especially true in this Ashes series. The story at Edgbaston is not that Australia might be a better cricket team than England, because that much should be obvious. Really, it’s remarkable that England got as close as they did, edging in front up until the last hour. Step back, try and look at the two line-ups without the veneer of England’s 11 wins in 14 or Australia’s no series wins in England in 22 years clouding your view, and a picture takes shape, of one team tied together by medical tape and blokiness and another primed for a last assault on greatness.

England have a new ball attack with a combined age of 78, a warrior-captain with one knee, and a warrior-keeper with one leg. Their tearaway is in his second Test, and hasn’t taken 20 wickets in a first-class summer since 2018. None of the top three is yet properly established at the highest level, with zero hundreds between them against Australia and India, the two premier teams of the age. The great hope at No.5 is in his eighth Test. The prize seam bowler looks to have taken Matthew Hayden’s ‘124kph nude nuts’ comment as a piece of advice rather than as a challenge. Joe Root, fair play to him, is hard to diminish with a pithy one-liner.

But still, set that against Australia, with an attack replete with members of the 200 wickets club in and around their primes. They have an all-time great in Steve Smith, an Australia great in David Warner, and a man between them who will finish as one of the two. Beyond that, they have two of the world’s form players in Usman Khawaja and Travis Head, a proto-Kallis at No.6, a keeper with a Gilchristian average since he came out of a Karachi swimming pool transformed.

England are now one of the world’s best cricket teams because they tell themselves, and anyone else who will listen, that they are one of the world’s best cricket teams. They believe it, and have gone some way to becoming it. They are behind in the game, but not as far as they could or should be. And it’s that weird alchemy, the Stokesian brio and McCullum mind games that’s the reason.

And who’s to say what tomorrow will bring? England have had bad days and bad games under Stokes before. After one day against New Zealand at Trent Bridge they had conceded 318-4. After two against India they were five down and 350 behind. They may yet keep Australia below 400, and they may yet will themselves up to a total that keeps them in the game.

England’s popgun, patched-together cricket team found themselves in need of another miracle, and even after Root provided one, they still need something special. The last 12 months provide enough reason not to bet against it.