THE DICTATOR

He’s a real taskmaster. He demands 110 per cent from everyone – trying your best simply isn’t good enough. You tried to explain to him that 110 per cent isn’t mathematically possible and a bit clichéd but he sent you home from nets and dropped you to the thirds. Your teammates are unhappy. He shouted at your 14-year-old keeper for dropping a catch and made him cry. Your scorer quit after a dispute about the use of different coloured pens. You’ve had enough. Is that the smell of mutiny in the air? This is your HMS Bounty. You are Jack Sparrow aboard the Queen Anne’s Revenge. You are Samuel L Jackson en route to LAX. Granted, that wasn’t a mutiny, but the snake situation on that plane really needed addressing. You pluck up the courage. You confront your oppressive leader. You fail miserably and are now looking for a new club.

THE LIABILITY

She’s totally chill. Sure, she wants to win and takes the game seriously, but she comes across as the most blasé person on earth. She rocks-up in flip-flops, regardless of the weather, and could get out for one or 100 and you’d never be able to tell the difference. The most animated you’ve ever seen her was at the Beyoncé concert at Wembley. It was almost too much for her when she discovered Zara Larsson was opening and she lost her mind when #QueenBey walked on stage. To be fair, you did too.