It’s a good job we’ve all got #Duckettbeergate to consume our every waking hour right now, because otherwise what on earth would we talk about? Certainly not the cricket. Don’t tell anyone, but we may just be living in the most predictable Ashes era since it all began with an Australian sledge and an England collapse at The Oval back in 1882.

If this sounds like Pommie sour grapes ahead of an inevitable defeat in Perth, then bear with me. Because my concern is that Ashes cricket is no longer a proper contest – more a chance for the home side to make the away side feel small.

There is no shoving the genie back into the bottle. And perhaps we should simply be grateful that an old tradition still stirs the blood, in the way that old traditions rarely do nowadays.

But the fuss over headbutts and pints of beer and curfews and drinking cultures says that some of us are looking for a more diverting storyline. And if England slip to their eighth successive defeat at the WACA later this week, look out for the latest instalment. I hear Perth’s Avenue Bar welcomes English cricketers with open arms…