DADDY ISSUES

You’re back home for Christmas and spending some quality time with your dad. Your old man loves his cricket, and he also loves a good pun. The Candy Kane Williamson gag he makes is funny enough, and Warren Heggnog is a nice throwback. But when he brings out his Dhammika Prasadvent calendar, that’s when you start to worry.

Next he’s singing you his “Gilchristmas Carols”. You half expected Jacques Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and you have a little chuckle at Oh Kohli Night, but then it gets a little out of hand: Santner Baby, Hark the Herald Yuvraj Singh, All I Want for Christmas is Younus. He is really clutching at straws with God Rest Ye Merry Jenny Gunn. No wonder your mum has already polished off a whole bottle of gin. What have you done to deserve this pun-ishment?

YOUR OWN BOXING DAY TEST

You’ve been dreading this for weeks, but it’s finally time to go Christmas shopping with your other half. Ten minutes in, you’re bored out of your mind. In a quest to entertain yourself, you start shadow batting with a roll of wrapping paper. You’re getting some funny looks but you don’t care. In your head you’re playing a blinder. It’s almost as if the fielders aren’t there… The square-cut you unleash in the home appliances section is the best shot you’ve played all year and the cheeky paddle-sweep down the toiletries aisle to bring up your fifty is exquisite. You’re the finest batsman John Lewis has ever seen – the upmarket department store, not the ex-England medium-pacer.