Graeme Swann reveals himself.
Describe yourself in one word?
Rockstar.
Any words or phrases you overuse?
‘This is the best ever.’ Everything’s ‘the best ever’.
What is your most marked characteristic?
My 1950s Hollywood chin.
If you could edit your past, what would you change?
My first kiss, it was a clumsy affair.
What is your idea of happiness?
A six-hour lie-in.
Who would you like to play you in a film of your life?
Hugh Grant. We’re lookalikes.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Dishonesty and unaccountability.
Which living person do you most admire and why?
Bressy. He seems to keep smiling despite all his obvious flaws.
What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
I went as the Milk Tray Man once and it was amazing. All in black, with my arm in a sling and on crutches.
What has been your biggest disappointment?
The three new Star Wars films.
What’s your favourite joke?
Bill and Ben are in the bath and Bill says ‘Flobbalobbalob’. Ben says ‘Do that again and I’ll rip your f****** arm off’.
Most important lesson life has taught you?
Never trust a man with a beard. You’ll get stubble rash.
What becomes of the broken hearted?
One of two things. They either bounce back and become bigger, stronger and better for it. Or they become journalists.
What’s wrong with the world?
Too much negativity.
In which era would you most like to have lived?
I’d like to have been a teenager in the 60s. Free love, great music.
If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
I’d be a cat, and never get stuck under the floorboards.
What is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?
My son cheering on Newcastle.
Who is your favourite fictional hero?
Jack Ryan.
Most overrated virtue?
Have you seen me bat? Patience.
What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus? Trying to find his way home? No, God is one of us. His name’s Peter Beardsley.
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
It’s a very interesting question you pose. Amino acids formed the first living cell on Earth so I’d actually say neither came first, it was a slow evolvement over billions of years.
