People will speak in wonder of the outfielding of Derek Randall, Jonty Rhodes or perhaps even of Colin Bland, but by far the greatest cover I ever saw was a short, stocky, grey-bearded fellow from County Durham. He rejoiced under the unlikely name of Charlemagne Commondale, but was known to teammates simply as Ingo.

Ingo was so swift across the ground he could be entrusted with patrolling the entire off side between point and mid off. His lack of height helped him to scoop up even the most firmly struck drive, while his gravity-defying leaps into the air saw him pull off many an outrageous catch. No batsman dared chance a second run to Commondale; his return – always to the bowler’s end – was swift and deadly accurate largely because he eschewed throwing the ball in favour of sprinting to the stumps with it full tilt. He had the stamina to keep going all day long, his concentration never wavered. Despite the fact that he couldn’t bowl and had not the faintest idea even how to hold a bat, he was considered by one and all to be worth a place in any side for his fielding alone.

When it came to actually playing the game, though, none of them could match Ingo. What a fieldsman he was. Any captain would have wanted him in their side. Indeed, had it not been for an unfortunate habit of attempting to have sex with spectators during play he would certainly have been a multi-million-dollar signing for an IPL franchise. And yes, I know what you’re thinking, but I reckon we should leave Shane Warne out of this.